I don't attain enlightenment. I do enlightenment .

I haven't posted anything I've written in a while, because nothing I've written in a while has been any good.

Here are a couple lyrics I've written in the past week or so. The second one definitely needs some cliches and meter problems worked out of it, but I'm posting them because both lay out some concepts that I've struggled to put into words before.

Part of the reason is just that I'm always all mixed-up and indecisive like I am, but also part of it is that these are things I don't really want to say, or sometimes even think. The last poem I published (Gumbo Ya-Ya) was like that, and I know I spoke to a few people about why it bothered me to share the poem.

But at the same time, I guess, it's just poetry. And it doesn't have to mean as much to the reader as it does to the writer, and I'm okay with that.

So, ignore the second one if you like, because as I said, that's a major work in progress, but if you wanna read through these, I'd really appreciate your honest reaction. The first relates more to myself, and the second relates more to the people I share experiences with.

And if you must try to decipher their real meanings, at least realize that I'm using a lot of metaphors and symbolism that you'll probably overlook.

Thanks,
Christine

PS- I still wouldn't mind finding someone who could put some of this stuff to music. I mean, it's not a major goal of mine, but if you're interested in songwriting at all, maybe we can talk.

----
Mu-chu-setsu-mu
(Preaching a dream within a dream)

I didn't get my sleep last night
for the sake of the man who
tells me what I can't do.
I'm wide awake, but dreaming
that the crazy shit I've been through
will somehow help me get to
a place I've never heard of
where the walls have crumbled down
and there are flowers in their place
and I can see for miles and miles
that I've got a clean slate.

I didn't get much sleep last night
for the sake of a child
who couldn't help but cry
when the daylight fell away.
But I'm too tired to hold the thing
and I don't think she'd like me anyway.

Oh I've so lost control
But I just
I just don't let go
And I know what I should try
But I didn't get my sleep last night

I haven't had a drink tonight
but I'm honestly not sober:
drunk on thinking it all over.
I'm wide awake but dreaming
that the crazy shit I live through
is blocking what I should do.

Like I'd wash my hands
in a place I've never heard of
a place I'll never make
because I'm wide awake but dreaming
that I've got a clean slate
in a place I've never heard of
where birdsong drowns the clink of shattered fates
and I can see for miles and miles
that I'm

Well, I'm really not awake.

--

Doing Zazen with a Hangover

All my friends in rehab have the same face
Some of them keep talking like my mom
I always had my name spelled out in lower case
So I could keep them from saying it wrong

Well there's a light in their faces
So their blood must be warm
and I see bones in their fingers
so their grip must be strong
Even if somebody told be
They'd been blitzed all along
I think they'll turn out right
in the long run

All my friends in rehab walk the same pace
Like a schoolboy doesn't wanna leave his mom
Keeping their candy hidden in a painted vase
They're sleeping with their socks left on

Well my teacher had to tell me
how she let the garden die
when she found out that the flowers
had their petals up too high
and now she thinks she's got the lens
from the right dharma eye
because she started seeing
a new guy

All my friends in rehab got my number
one of them might call me next week
but my ringtone always sounds to me like thunder
God I choke, when I want to speak

So I guess I'll never tell you I admire you
Though I know you've got the potential to be a drag
I think I'll even keep this rattling bottle for you
while all our friends from rehab pack their bags

melting moment

down the nail-gnawed thread-bare staircase to the street.
where am i going which way do i turn?
to the end of the road,
to the lime streaked light smeared sun stained sky.
to the white steamy clouds that clump and curl space.

i lean into green quilted cushions
and let you draw me out like a thorn,
leeching all my bodies bad chemistry through your tounge.
the silence pouring in the open window
is composed into notes,
our fingers are soundless instruments
our eyes hum hymns of gibberish.
night coils up the slack behind the day going down,
so soon we are under the moon just like everything else.

removing our shoes we are icecubes at the melting moment
and soaking in the course tweed sheets
i open your mouth with mine.

Verse 33

I have met those
who picked up a bottle of beer
and decided to never put it down
and some folks who have
taken that eternal date
with the white lady

I got some friends
who took that trip to Jupiter
they say they wouldn't trade
the view for the world
and there are some good men
who can only relax with
hot tears rolling down their cheeks

And in my travels I've met
people with really odd names:
Citizen, Son, Daughter, Employee, Sergeant, Doctor
and some people who wouldn't dare
to breathe without asking Jesus first

And when I keep that secret to myself
I feel awful, I really do
I've actually been to the center of the universe
That's where I found you

An Arachnescent Star

I fell in love with the basement spider
Watching her spin her doilie web
Tip-tipping her little legs on the wall
I wished she'd wrap them around me instead
And I'd lay on the sheets with my head propped back
My eyelashes parted, and my hair all a mess
The air between us was thick with desire
She crawled to the edge of my bedrest
"Pretty thing," I said, "You don't have to come close
The poor girl would just die if we took it too far
Vixen fangs and long gentle legs
The moon lit her up like an arachnescent star

Now I won't try to say that I've never killed
A spider is a spider is a talented pest
But where is the threat in my Lovely's small fangs?
Where are the blades in her spinerettes?
A widow may poison, if only for spite
Recluses and Hobos are aggressive and threaten
But my little darling hardly has a bite
And with time she could weave us a heaven
Of gentle little threads that break and warp
At my touch, but keep my dear Beauty alive
Oh, I could never have her for my own,
But she's trapped me like a housefly

And gently tapping buggy feet
Will soon lure me to pleasant sleep
So she can spin my dreams into
Beautiful white dreams of passion
And when the morning sun is red
She'll weave me love songs by the bed
And if our love is good and true
What a beautiful web we'll fashion

But Darling, small, and brave and true
If I should tell the world of you
They'll think me mad, and in a fright
Might smash you at the very sight
And could I blame their instinct's fear?
Although you're gentle small and dear
It's human nature, truth of life
To live in fear and kill in hype

Verse 32

You remind me of
the freshman girl
from Dazed and Confused
with your big blue eyes
hanging like moons that
only illuminate peace lillies
and truth roses
and when they shine on me
I'm no longer that kid
throwing his long stringy hair
behind his ears, and
getting his ass kicked
by seniors,
but a lake, reflecting your peace
for anyone looking for some quiet

Delicate

Mister Melmoth has a past
and though I love him now
the rose in his lapel was once a seed.
And soon the flower withers dead
as Mister Melmoth too
but a moment of this grace is all I need.

He tells me that my hands
are much too delicate to long
to climb the iron fence around his heart,
but also says that I
should want a nicer cheek to kiss.
All while his face hangs like a piece of art.

But these are the only lies his little mouth could ever tell
And if secrets are for keeping, I will let him keep them all
Because no matter how it grew, whether by saints or fiends of hell
I love that little heart he holds behind his steely wall
And I love his weathered mind, just like that rose in his lapel
Whether still thorned or with its petals poised to fall

But Mister Melmoth has a past
And though I love him now
His heart has beat in places I shall never know
And he tells me that my mind
is much too delicate to long
to know of where his past selves used to go.

But he also says that I should want a nicer cheek to kiss
and if secrets are for keeping, I will let him keep them all
Mister Melmoth has a past, and though he thinks I'll die of this
I'm sure we neither see the edge from where I'll fall